I am made up of bad habits. Consistent in how
I love boys who will never love me back.
Letting the phone go to voicemail when my
mother calls. Biting my nails bloody.
Wearing dresses when I should wear jeans.
Making my body small. Forgetting names
but not asking for them again. Maybe I should
have called. Maybe you should stop calling.
Maybe I should have remembered how you
take your coffee, your favorite band,
that you smoke a pack a day. Maybe I should
have apologized. If it’s any consolation,
my next birthday will be me eating cake in bed
and licking the icing off of my fingers alone.
I get to see the heartbeat on Wednesday :)
The worst part of being alone is the silence. Your laying under the covers watching Grey’s Anatomy and it’s the episode where Denny dies… You start crying and crying and can’t stop. No one is there to make you feel embarrassed. NO ONE IS THERE. Its more than just the show. You realize you’re pregnant and no one is there to tell you that it’s going to be okay. No one is going to love you. The love you want doesn’t exist. All that’s there is the deep humming of pure silence and the bitterness you feel to everyone who has let you down and left.
Love doesn’t exist in real life.
I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions lately. I think all I needed was a good cry. Sucks that it had to happen at work :\ I feel Much better now though
Lately I haven’t been able to see the good in my life. You told me not even a month ago, that our relationship couldn’t be repaired. You told me a couple of weeks ago you were tired of worrying about how you make me feel… That you wanted to move out.. I think I made peace with that. I made peace with a lot of things. and now you’re still here and i’m pregnant. I’m not upset about the pregnancy, i’m really excited to be honest. It’s just everything else. I want a better life, and it seems as though you don’t even care about yours. Which drags me down. I want a house, i want financial security, i want opportunities for myself and my child. All that i’ve seen since i found out i was pregnant is you playing grand theft auto and messing around with your phone. All i can think about is bettering myself and you look emotionless and stuck.
The pregnancy test IMMEDIATELY turned positive when i took it on Monday. I took it on my lunch break because i just wanted to ease my mind. Instead it completely changed my life. It’s still hard to believe. I have to remind myself constantly. All the things that i can’t do right now. All the things that i need to do. My mind is flooded with constant thoughts and worries…
No more drinking for a loooooong time.
My first ultrasound is on the 25th :D